I didn’t want to tell anyone I was pregnant; that would make it real. Yet, my boyfriend encouraged me to talk to his mother for support. He said she would understand as she got pregnant with him at 18. He held my secret until I decided to tell her, allowing me the space to feel safe and unexposed. The night I told her, I had never cried harder in my life. She was the first adult woman to meet me with love, honesty, and hope without any judgment. I could tell she was scared too, yet not for one moment, did she judge me. She helped me, held me, and told me everything was going to be ok. She helped me find a free clinic to go to and drove me herself. She was every bit grounding as she was patient with this scared and confused young woman.
I look back on that moment and am so thankful for it. Because of her reaction, and her unconditional love, I was able to tell my closest friend. She also met me with nothing but love and support, and by the end of my journey would become my truest best friend. I then had the courage to tell my twin sister who held my hand and told me she’d stand by my side no matter what. Moments like that define you. Moments where, as a woman, you are able to ask for help and get surrounded by it, not shamed by it.
That was my first experience with women lifting up and empowering other women. It was what pushed me to take the first big stand of my life… For myself and for my child, who I CHOSE to have.
The day I went home to tell my parents I was not a virgin, unwed, and pregnant was the hardest day of my life. My boyfriend was with me and my twin sat at my side. As I spoke, you could cut the religious disappointment with a knife. I started to cry as the shame, confusion, and judgment set in. When the words, “I’m pregnant,” came out of my mouth, the room went silent. All I could do was look at the shock on my father’s face as my mother began to weep. My father’s only words were, “I don’t care about any of that, all I want to know is when are you getting married?” My response as I sucked my tears back in was, “I’m not.” After that, all I remember was my mother telling me repeatedly that my life was over. Those words would echo in my head for some time to come.
I could say that one moment shaped the rest of my life, but that wouldn't be the whole story. Today, I know my parent's response was through a filter called shock. Shock can look different from person to person and serve as a defense mechanism when our brain gets overloaded with emotions that it is unprepared to process. Trauma is what forms if these emotions are left unprocessed, but shock forms the first response. With this knowledge, I believe my parents responded the best they could in a moment they were unprepared for. This is what it is to be human and have human experiences through the filters of our own beliefs. Filters like religion, privilege, age, gender, etc., are all at play, making up our own unique individual human experience.
I believe it is not in hard moments where you see people’s “true colors.” It is in the choices that are made after. In intentional choices, you see who people really are.
From the moment I told my parents I was pregnant, I started to become the person I am today. I saw the world differently and continued on a very different path than I had originally planned for myself. I wish I could say my “self-confidence” breakthrough was right away; that I was able to see my worth as a woman outside the idea of family through traditional religious views, or that I was able to detach from victimhood, pride, and childhood trauma, but I didn’t. It took time, it took therapy, and it took me wandering through a life unknown for a bit. That wandering gave me the biggest gift: it gave me choice.
I could choose to stay a victim to my past and undoubtedly launch that into my future, or I could choose to forgive. It was an opportunity. An opportunity that would continue over the years and would take on many different forms. Some days would be easier than others and somedays I would need to ask for forgiveness just as much as I needed to forgive another. These choices would shape me for the rest of my life. My first choice was to stay in college. I chose to stay in therapy, join Al-Anon, and find a group of women who would make me feel like my boyfriend's mom did. I wanted to participate in life, the good and the bad. So, I started to set boundaries, have direct conversations, and take a stand for myself. And in the end, I chose a life by my own design. One day at a time, I made choices for a better future than my mother had predicted for me. My life was not over, far from it.
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